Doctor Boyfriend

He's not a doctor -- but he think he is.   Sort of.

He's your boyfriend.  And if you ever hurt yourself, he really cares.  Sort of.  

Got a question?  Looking for love?  Or just some medical advice?  

You'll find answers below.  Sort of.

Doctor Boyfriend always gives you the answer that's best for him.


1.  Help! My leg is broken! What do I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Fractures of the limbs can be a very serious matter requiring medical attention.  But don’t worry – once you learn to use those crutches, you will have no trouble whatsoever getting me that beer from the refrigerator that I just asked for.

2.  What should I do about my recurring headaches?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Everyone knows your headaches are a result of reduced bloodflow to my penis.  So please take my penis in your hand or mouth to ensure an increase in bloodflow that will result in me reaching a thunderous climax.  Ahhhhh… By the way, what was your problem?

3.  My medical treatment may take weeks.   Will you come with me to the hospital?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Yes, of course.  I will stand right by your side throughout your medical treatment, because from here I can see down the shirt of that cute E.R. nurse.  Man, I love those hospital smocks!

4.  What should I do about my chronic back pain?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

This is obviously a result of something highly “spinal” happening in your back area.  No more missionary position for you! Next time: it’s topside or doggy style.

5.  I have menstral cramps.  What can I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

First off, don't take Tylenol! The best way to alleviate those menstrual cramps is by massaging the main vaginal muscle to release tension.  It's a proven fact that masturbating while your boyfriend watches is the best remedy. If cramps persist, invite a female friend over to assist with your tension release.

6.  I think I sprained my ankle.  Any advice?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Contrary to what other doctors recommend, the best thing to do is simply WALK IT OFF! Don't spend time and money on an X-Ray. I advise a nice, brisk walk to a neighborhood Starbucks for a cup of afternoon coffee for your boyfriend. Oh, and while you're at it, you may want to stop off at Petco for some flea medication for his dog.

7.  I've been doing a lot of typing lately.  How can I tell if I have carpal tunnel syndrome?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Sounds like you need some physical therapy.  Remember: it's all in the wrist!  The soothing up-and-down movement of a hand job will work those muscles to their fullest capacity in no time.  Therapeutic results will be even greater if such handjob is undertaken while your boyfriend is, say, watching an "erotic thriller" on cable.

8.  I cut my hand cleaning my boyfriend's motorcycle.  What should I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Believe it or not, this is a problem that requires immediate attention.  Grab one of your boyfriend's tube socks and wrap it tightly around your hand to stop the bleeding.  Once the bleeding has subsided, toss that soiled sock right into the washing machine.  And while you're at it, why not pick up the rest of his laundry off the floor and throw that in too?  Oh, yeah. And if the dryer's full, just take out all those clothes, fold them, and put them away in his closet -- but ONLY if your hand has stopped bleeding, please. Geez... you don't want to stain his favorite "Free Mustache Rides" T-shirt, do you?

9.  I was cleaning his motorcycle again, but this time I got some kind of acid-like fluid in my eyes.  It really burns!

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Ouch!  To avoid further eye irritation, immediately rinse the affected area with warm water.  When the burning becomes reasonably bearable, open your eyes and make the most of your remaining visual abilities by staring lovingly at the sight of your boyfriend.  Telling him how incredibly "cute" he looks will also help him deal with the stress of listening to you scream about your "burning eyes."

10.  My boyfriend plays his television so loudly that I think he blew out my eardrum.  Now what?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

This is tricky.  While there is no easy cure for a blown eardrum, you can try and prevent future ear damage.  When your boyfriend is taking his daily afternoon nap, reach behind the giant, wide-screen television that cost more than your car and secretly disconnect the wire to the amplifier.  Of course, if you're like most girlfriends, you won't know which wire this is.  So, instead, just forget about disconnecting the amplifier and pick up all the dog poo that's been accumulating back there ever since your boyfriend decided to stop walking his dog.  Oh, yeah.  That's another thing -- can you please take the dog for a walk too?  Thanks.

11.  While building an addition onto my boyfriend's house, I accidentally hit my thumb with a hammer.  I know I should put ice on it, but my boyfriend doesn't have any, since I haven't fixed the ice machine in his freezer yet.  What do I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Head immediately over to the nearest supermarket for some ice! And, hang on to that hammer. It will come in handy. I'm sure your boyfriend likes crushed ice in his cocktail. Hey, which reminds me -- don't forget to pick up some Margarita mix and chips while you're over there too.

12.  My water just broke, but my boyfriend's watching television.  What should I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

You may be gone for quite a while. So, wait for a commercial, then check to see if he needs a cold beer and a pizza before you drive yourself to the hospital.

13.  While adjusting my boyfriend's satellite dish on his roof in the rain, I got
electrocuted.  What do I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Don't panic!  Finish the adjustment.  Then, grab that ladder that's leaning against the house.  You know, the one he uses to look in his neighbor's bedroom window.  Climb down.  Head into the garage, and quickly plug yourself into his brand-new Prius.  Wait about 30 minutes.  At this point, the current running through your body should have provided enough charge to the batteries of this hydrid car for a quick "electric" trip to the liquor store.  Here you can purchase his favorite beer and chewing gum.  And be careful -- don't get dirt or charred flesh on the upholstery!  He had to wait more than four months to get that Prius, and he really hated driving your crummy, old hatchback in the meantime.  Especially on dates.  What's that?  You don't remember going on any "dates" with him during those four months?  Well, who said he was talking about you?

14.  I was in the hot sun all day repainting my boyfriend's house, and now I think I'm dehydrated.  But my boyfriend wants to have sex -- right now!  What do I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Dehydration is easily remedied. Drink 8-10 glasses of water before you go to bed with him. Wait -- scratch that. If you drink that much water, you'll be getting up all night long to pee, and it will disturb his sleep. Just tell him how much you love him during intercourse, and maybe he'll let you have some of his Gatorade in the morning. That should solve it. Now...have a GREAT night!

15.  While eating Chinese takeout, I accidentally ate a cat bone.  I think I'm choking!  What should I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Don't panic. Take a moment to check your boyfriend's Mu Shu for bones. Once you're sure his meal is free of all feline cartilage, use your chopsticks to dislodge the offending bone from your throat. And remember: sperm is a great antiseptic, but only if administered properly upon the affected region. For further information, please consult your nearest boyfriend.

16.  While making Thanksgiving dinner for my boyfriend's family of 60, I accidentally caught my hair on fire trying to baste the turkey.  Help!

Doctor Boyfriend says:

First, turn the oven off -- you don't want to dry out the turkey! Now, step outside and grab the hose your boyfriend uses on the neighborhood girls for those wet T-shirt contests he judges. Put the fire out. Oh, and while you're at it, don't forget to hose down his front walkway. Those crows shit everywhere. 

17.  A recent auto accident left me with compound fractures in both arms and legs, as well as a neck injury.  However, when I got out of the hospital, my boyfriend took all of my Vicodan because he said he was bored.  Now the pain is killing me, and I have no medication.  What do I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

While compound fractures and neck injuries may be somewhat uncomfortable, nothing compares to the raw pain of being a man. The pressures, the stress, the relentless assaults on our fragile self-esteem. We may act all tough and secure, but deep down, we're all just little boy's crying for our mother's milk. 

In lieu of mammarian elixirs, the occasional Vicodin or Percocet will have to suffice. Thank you for offering them up to so easily from the deepest, hidden, double-rear pocket of your purse, behind the tattered photo of your very first boyfriend that you refuse to throw out. Your sacrifice in this matter is well appreciated. 

Be grateful -- the "suffering" from your compound fractures is only physical. Ours, unfortunately, is a deep and excruciating affliction of our manly souls. 

By the way, can I wash these down with some of your red wine -- and not that cheap stuff either. Thanks.

18.  I had to take my boyfriend to the hospital after he briefly slipped into a coma the other night.  The hospital said it was because he had been mixing red wine and pain pills, but I said it was all because of the "raw pain of being
a man."  They didn't buy that.  What do I do?

Doctor Boyfriend says:

Just blame it on your dried-out turkey -- the one you didn't cook right, after carelessly setting your own hair on fire (Question #16). Coma's are a common side effect of eating dried out turkey. Everyone knows that. 

19.  I often don't achieve orgasm during sex with my boyfriend.  Help!

Doctor Boyfriend says:

I'd love to help, but, sorry, the problem's not with me -- it's with you! You're not trying hard enough to come. When I can't come during sex with my girlfriend, I just think of other women. That usually works. So try that -- think of other women during sex. Then tell me all about it in extremely graphic detail. Ahhh.... Yeah. That does it, baby.




Got a medical question?  Ask "Doctor Boyfriend." 

He'll always give you the answer that's best for him.


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